the off days

Oh God. Spirit fingers.

Watching “Bring It On” while I write this. haha

By Weeks:

My weeks go like this, month by month:

One week of feeling pretty and thin.

One week of feeling pretty but fat.

One week of feeling ugly but thin.

One week of feeling ugly and fat.

Right now it is the last one and I occupy my spare time either avoiding the mirror completely or scrutinizing every thing I hate so much about it. It usually changes from month to month but the same things always cycle back through.

Ill treatment and vanity

Sometimes I think I spend too much time obsessing about my physical appearance alongside trying to figure out why some people treat me so badly.

I automatically assume it is because I am not good enough in some way; am I not pretty enough, not in shape enough, not thin enough? I really thought I’d grow out of this by now. I haven’t.

My therapist thinks that I sometimes surround myself with people who validate the idea that I have that I am an awful person. In short, I let some people treat me badly and drain my energy and instead of defending myself or cutting them off, I make myself believe I deserve it.

This has happened all my life if I remember correctly.

Thoughts and reprogramming; overthinking

I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in the last month but today just isn’t good. I felt like I was accepting myself, realizing that no one actually looks like a Barbie doll, conventional beauty is out of reach, and I was fine with it.

Maybe it is because I am by myself with my thoughts. I have nothing to do but think this late at night.

I don’t think the perception contained in “ugly and fat” is going to die any time soon so I guess I just have to deal with it.

I didn’t dance today. I will dance tomorrow.


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