“I did not die, and yet I lost life’s breath”

 

~ Dante, The Divine Comedy

I was reading through my suicide book from last year. There weren’t many “chapters” but the ones that existed are startling to see now.

This is the time of year for anniversaries. A year ago today is when I finally figured out that no person, past or present could save me and the time of me saving myself had come to an end.

 

I spent a few hours trying to figure out who to call and ended up calling my local behavioral health center. I remember the conversation well. The receptionist asked me why I was calling and I told her, “Well, suicidal ideation, all I think about is dying.” And then I started rambling, trying not to cry.

She said their next available appointment wasn’t until December but she would put me on a list to get in if there was a cancellation. She asked me if I had support and I told her that, yes, I had many people who love me.

I reflect on this now because of the change in me. I know a year ago I was “going through the motions” and that’s scary. It’s scary that I kept repeating that I’m dead, this is the end, I’m going to die soon.

I was so anti-medication back then. Once I had made my appointment, that step alone helped me improve just with hope that maybe I would get out of that dark pit.

The pit isn’t gone but I feel like I don’t spend so much time in it and I have to thank my psychiatrist for that and all of my friends who stuck around when I was nothing but a nihilistic trainwreck.

Love is an enigma. It can make or break you or have no effect if you are strong enough for that. The love of my friends, those that would be up at 3 AM so I could talk to them about a toad I found on my back porch, those that took me out of work to go for a walk so I could disassociate and look at the birds, I love them all.

I know lately I’ve been mentally exhausted because demons don’t die, they go away but they don’t die. And the fight is never-ending. I know I haven’t been communicating as often with people as I should but I try to always be available to listen because I’m not the only one with monsters and demons and toxic pasts.

<3 love.

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