I miss my sessions with Denise, my last therapist. She’d let me skate around things and then the week after I would bring up how I had felt and .. you see where this is going, unhelpful. I miss her but she was right, it wasn’t helping. She cared too much about me for me to ever be 100 percent honest, an annoying thing I have (and lots of people have I’m sure).
My third session with Jane (not her real name) for body dysmorphic disorder treatment is this week.
I think sessions one and two were more about setup and expectations. Session two had some more things in it, like making pros and cons lists for healing versus keeping BDD. Unfortunately the pros of having BDD outweighed everything else.
She also asked me if I had the self-awareness to reason that I am not body dysmorphic disorder and I really don’t know. Maybe I used to but not anymore.
I feel very uncomfortable with everything but I do recognize that I am so much worse than I was two years ago. It’s the extreme social anxiety, the exhaustion even having conversations sometimes with people I’m friends with, and distrust in compliments.
Our of the common body image cognitive distortions provided by Dr. Thomas Cash, I have all six but they aren’t always all there, sometimes they rotate.
Also I have a hard time distinguishing what is from borderline personality disorder and what is its own mental illness. What the fuck?
This isn’t the most eloquent post but I wanted to record my feelings, even in this hasty manner, so I can look back later and reflect.