We are unimaginative when it comes to imagining each other’s pain, personal grief. Why, when someone dies, does it feel like a crack in your chest and everything goes dry except your eyes?
Why is it this?
“Oh my God.” Tears. “I’m sorry. I love you.” I don’t know what to say.
We cradle our condolences in our hands and try to use them to hold people together. Even those of us that know and believe that Death’s plan goes hand in hand with God’s, we feel betrayal. It stings.
Tonight as I sat with Santa Muerte, praying for protection and strength, I asked that there be comfort for my cousins, my dad. We have lost so much in the last 6 years.
This is just another public announcement of mine, to hug those you love, hold them close. Drop what or who doesn’t matter, don’t embrace people, jobs, or situations that make your heart hurt, flare up your mental illness, or make you lose sleep. Life is short, it’s promised to all of us that it will be.
Death is unstoppable and the way you love should be unstoppable too. Be kind. Apologize if you need to or stay silent if that suits you but do no harm. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.
Descansa en paz, tía Connie. Que tu viaje sea al principio.
My friend was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. His heart is only pumping half the blood his body needs and the outlook is bleak. For his birthday, I bought him a journal and started it for him. I started drawing again.
It is unsettling how much you can so badly want someone to move out of your head, you can wish them happiness, give them apologies, and understand their treatment of you (all in your head) but sometimes they just won’t leave.
I feel like I’m already dead. I wish I could describe the pain that I feel so that I could manage it but there isn’t a way to do that.
I have reviewed all of my earlier posts about my suicidal thoughts and the steps I took in that direction. It isn’t that those thoughts, those urges and ideation are still present, every day, every hour almost. I am not ignoring them but I am trying to live with them until they clear up.
My blog has been hot and cold, off and on, most of this year. I don’t even know where to begin or where to end but this is going to be a huge rambling mess. I guarantee that and I also apologize to whoever reads this if it is incoherent at times. I just have a lot of screaming in my head all the time now.
Every 5 weeks I get my hair touched up. Again with the freaking waterworks. Holy shit. My stylist was asking me about how things have been and I started crying in the middle of the salon and told her I was sorry, I didn’t mean to cry.
I feel like I have had to quiet my real feelings for so long. I used to be so open. Due to feeling like I was under constant surveillance, I kept my words watered down for fear of people acting like nuts. Unfortunately apologies mean nothing when you can’t be sure what falsified actions were created surrounding situations and feelings.
Fundamental attribution error: our tendency to explain someone’s behavior based on internal factors, such as personality or disposition, and to underestimate the influence that external factors, such as situational influences, have on another person’s behavior.